Day 87 – The irrational female
Today I have been a bit of a cross patch. The boy told me this morning that he was going to have to leave for home earlier than expected; a whole day earlier in-fact. Though I have often wished I was the kind of woman who could respond to such revelations with short breezy sentences which betray none of my frustration, I usually fail at being the rational understanding female and today was no exception.
The foolish thing is I know it is not his fault. He is a peripatetic percussion teacher and he has to teach his pupils whenever the schools timetable will allow. If he hadn’t headed back this evening he wouldn’t have been there in time to teach tomorrow and would have missed out on a whole day of lessons and consequently a whole day of cheques. I know all this, but when he tells me he has to go I still behave like an adolescent. I cry like a child who has just lost her lolly and ask him if he can just please stay a little longer. I am aware I am being ridiculous and irrational but I don’t seem to be able to stop myself from behaving this way.
Perhaps the main problem I have with him leaving early is that I know I have been a rubbish girlfriend. 
Even though he has come all the way down from the north to see me I have spent most of our time together sleepy eyed, tearful and tired. I want to be the girl I know he loves to be with; a social butterfly all bubbly and bright eyed. I should be chewing his ear off about my week at work, telling him tales from the piste or even just dragging him out to party the night away at the closing party of our old teenage haunt Helsinki. I don’t though; I try to go out, I try to summon some enthusiasm for it, for anything in-fact but everything feels like an awful lot of effort. 
I am being a bore and I know it but I can’t seem to stop myself and all I can think of is getting some sleep. I do not want him to go but I feel bad that he has to see me when I am like this. I can’t stand myself when I get this low and so I guess I can hardly blame him for wanting to get the next train out of here.
- Today’s dress was sourced and sent over to me by Hannah Cantrell. It was originally from Topshop and for some strange reason the top of it was left open. Now I am all for showing a bit of skin but even liberal minded me was a little reluctant to let slip so much bra. I have therefore modified the dress slightly with a white vest top to preserve some modesty. It is woollen but not at all itchy and fits like a glove. As I have been such a useless girlfriend this weekend I thought the least I could do was try to look nice. The boy took the photos which was nice as I have missed him being my official photographer. He got a bit crafty and found this spot for me to stand on so he could show the flowers of spring. I have a feeling he was trying to cheer me up by putting me in the middle of all this beautiful new life but unfortunately I think it just served to make me look even more miserable.
