Lost in notation blog

Day 113 – The first interview

April 25, 2010 at 10:23 am (Uncategorized)

I did a radio interview at the start of the week and I don’t think it went well.  They began by asking me a question which was innocent enough about the charity I had chosen as a benefactor of the project.  The problem came when they asked me why.  ”Why have you chosen Mind?”  The question felt loaded if only because of the answer I knew I had to give.  I stalled and stammered out something about choosing Mind because I have previously had problems with depression.  I do not know why my answer left me feeling exposed but it did and ever since the recording I have been dreading it being aired.

In the end I was worried for little reason.  For whatever reason they skipped out the why of the blog and just went for the what.  Though I had been worried about people judging me after hearing the interview it felt a little hollow without the explanation and I did not feel as though I had represented myself or the blog particularly well.

I have been puzzling over what to do with the dresses of late.  I have at least fifty which need ironing, many of which also need some sort of repair and the size of the task at times gets me down.  With trying to maintain a job and a happy long distance relationship I find the time slipping away every day.  The other issue of the moment is of storage.  Though I would like to save the auctioning off of the dresses till the end of the year I am aware this would leave me with at least two hundred dresses to find a home for in the meantime.  Speaking to a friend last night about my flat search I admitted the reason I was looking for a two bedroom was because I needed a room for the dresses.

I had a dream last night where I gave up the project and it left me thinking how much easier life would be.  Though I do enjoy it, there are times when I struggle to find the energy or the inspiration to keep it going.  I know I am behaving like a bit of a bore but sometimes I just crave a chance to switch off at the end of the working day and not have to worry about photos and the subject of the day.  Chatting to my mother yesterday we got to wondering about the possibility of a guest blog for every Tuesday.  Several people have volunteered to write one but if I could just have a few saved up for days like Tuesday when I don’t get home till gone nine it might make it more manageable.

I do hope the interview works, I hope more people will come across it and find it of use.  When I was first diagnosed I found some help on the internet in the form of other writers who were sharing their experiences and it did help.  On the Mind facebook site today there was a girl, I do not know how old, who had recently been diagnosed with bipolar.  She was asking how to come out to her parents and how indeed she was meant to cope with the diagnosis herself.  It pulled at my heart strings and left me sad to know there was someone out there feeling so alone.  I commented and tried to give her some kind of advice but I do not know how much good it will have done.  A little bit of me wishes they had exposed me further on the radio, just to show there is no reason to be ashamed.  I know I should not be embarrassed by my condition, or fearful of other peoples judgement but there are times I find it hard to accept the lows and wish more than anything to be normal with no need for explanation or medication.

• Today’s dress is another bought for me by my Fairy God Mother.  It is another Hobbs creation and for the first time this year I left the house with bare legs conscious that though I might be pale at least I would not have to be trapped in stale stockings on such a beautiful sunny day.