Lost in notation blog

Day 115 – Lost in publication

April 26, 2010 at 9:46 pm (bipolar, Depression, dresses, Fairy God Mother, Fashion, Homelife, Long distance relationships, Market Harborough, Motherhood, photography, Poetry, Relationships, Style, The boy, Uncategorized) (http://www.theoathill.co.uk/)

I feel restricted.  Today’s dress to an outsider looks beautiful, flowery and feminine but throughout the day it has been slowly killing me.  There is a corset structure on the inside which I believe may have realigned not only my bust but also my inner organs.  In all fairness the dress has not been particuarly helped by my decision to go for the trio of meats at the Oathill for my Sunday dinner.  The dress does not take kindly to my choice and even when I am ordering it I feel it twisting in outrage trying its best to remind me that corseted ladies should stick to neat little cucumber sandwiches and at a push a stick of Ryvita.

When the boy has to leave for home I am inconsolable; the weekend as always has gone by all too quickly and it feels as though there was no time at all to just be.  Fearing I will embarrass myself on the platform by crying or trying to board the train I say goodbye at the door and let him get a lift with my baby brother.  I don’t want him to see me sad but when he says goodbye I start to cry and can’t seem to stop.

I try to force myself out of it by sitting down to catch up on blogs but there is a problem with wordpress and I can not post.  I do not know why but this leads to further tears which confirms my fears that I am starting to lose it a little this evening.  Until now I had not realised how helpful writing the blog is for my general well being.  There is something about writing it which allows me the creative release which I so obviously need.  I spend so much of my time trying to keep my emotions under control and monitoring my behaviour to make sure I am not falling to low or climbing to high that it is nice to just write and not have to worry too much over what comes out.

When I write for the press I am constantly fretting over minute sections of sentences.  I spend time trailing through the thesaurus to find the perfect word and seek out alliteration and rhyme wherever possible, checking the metre of the sentence by reading it aloud in my head.  With the blog though I just type whatever I feel about whatever has moved me that day.

There are days where I do specific posts which I have thought about in my head for weeks but I never feel pressurised to perform when I blog and this I suppose is mainly down to you.  I have been lucky enough so far to have readers who do not judge, demand or criticise too easily.   I know the quality waivers and that posts are at times too long or too short but thank you, from the bottom of my heart for bearing with me and finding the time to read.

• Today’s dress is a donation from my lovely Fairy God Mother.  I do not usually wear this style of dress, I am paranoid about my wide shoulders but with a cardigan the dress is balanced and thanks to the corset everything is pulled tightly into place to give me an hourglass shape which I guess is worth a bit of discomfort.  I stuck with bare legs but am beginning to think the time has come to invest in a little sun in a bottle to stop my milky white limbs from blinding people with their ghostly glare.