Day 149 – Slipping through my fingers
I have got to the stage where I am doing the bare minimum to get by. There is four baskets full of ironing that need to be done hidden under a quilt case at home the thought of which is eating away at me. I am behind with the blogs and days go by before I reply to messages and I can not even remember when I last logged in to my email account. Even things like facebook have become too much, I am overwhelmed with guilt about how dreadful I have become at keeping in touch. I try and make plans hope for the best that this will be the week when I will once again go back to being the social butterfly of old but then it doesn’t happen and I am left trying to crawl back into the cocoon, desperately trying to hide away.
It is not that I do not want to see people or my friends it is just that I have so very little love for myself at the moment that to torture them with being in my company just seems too cruel. I am a mess and when I am not crying I am trying not too moan but all I can think is that I can’t cope and that I wish it would all just stop and there are very few threads that strand out from this conversation. It is so selfish of me to be this way and I wonder once more why my friends stick around when the barriers keep going up. I got a parcel the other day from one of my old university friends and I nearly sent it back because I know that I don’t deserve anything.
I have come so close to dropping the blogs because I know that even here I am being a bore. Days go by without posts and the blogs I do are bleak and sad and lacking in the laughs and anecdotes I used to share. I look back at the beginning and in the photos I am smiling and now its not the same. I don’t want to drop it, I really don’t because I thought that it might help people to know what its like to live with this. This though has been sneaking up on me again and without me even realising it has got in the way of the writing, which I am meant to love.
Please understand that I know I have nothing to complain about, that I know there are people out there who are a lot worse than me and it is this that eats at me because all I seem to do is cry while they keep it together. There are people out there who have so much in their lives, who do everything to help others and who in spite of the sleepless nights and the endless work they keep their plates whirring. Though their work is tireless they do not complain and they keep their plates spinning. My plates has ground down to the speed of the Millennium Wheel and though I have no real challenges in my life I am still just seconds away from letting them all crash to the floor.
- Today’s dress is from my friend Monica Kenny, a loan of course as it is extremely pretty. It is from Miss Selfridge and oddly enough I have a top just like it and have worn a dress in the past just like it but in brown from the northern star, Anna Clayton. I love how it ties at the back and how girly it looks and what is nice is it has an under slip making worries about choosing the right kind of underwear wonderfully unnecessary.
marita said,
June 15, 2010 at 6:40 pm
I think it would do you good to let yourself off writing the blog for a while. You have gone past half a year and if you take time off it will give you a chance to energise yourself again. You could then comtinue with an autumn theme. Also you must be seeing dresses in your sleep