Lost in notation blog

The curious incident of the disappearing blog – when you have a blog but all you want to do is hide

June 21, 2010 at 5:05 pm (Uncategorized)

Before I began this blog I did quite a bit of research into the best websites available for people with mental health problems.  At the time one of the biggest issues I had was the great number of blogs about or even websites started up and then abandoned just as quickly.  It upset me because though I was researching for my own blog I was also looking for a bit of guidance for myself, my family and my friends about the best way to cope with my own troubles.  The one thing I failed to remember at the time was that one of the symptoms of mental illness, particularly bipolar is the enthusiasm with which we enter into new situations.

Perhaps I am speaking only for myself but the energy I have when presented with new people a new task or a new challenge is often fervent and I would imagine those who I verbally bombard with the detail of my latest project might find it a little disconcerting.  Once an idea struck me that the world was incomplete as there was no missing earring website – a place where those of us who regularly lose earrings could unite to find them once again.  Perhaps we shall return to this theme at a later date but for the time being perhaps I shall return to the point.

Other than the enthusiasm symptom what is even more important in the mystery of the abandoned blogs is the decline factor.  I am sure there is a more medical term for both of these symptoms but I’m darned if I’m coming up for it a time when brushing my teeth is an effort.  With regard to the decline factor, many of those with a tendency to depression in bipolar can very quickly dive.  All of a sudden as the darkness descends, the energy and enthusiasm evaporates leaving only a ghost of an idea once glowing bright with the sheer power of its passion.  Often even this is erased as the self esteem drops and the embarrassment of failure is such that the evidence must be deleted.  You could build a rainforest on the collected works of poetry and novels only just began that have been abandoned when I enter a black and blue patch.

All of this then is leading up to one thing, an explanation.  I will go into things a little more in time but as those of you who follow will be aware I have been slipping for a few weeks and have been positively absent since Monday, June 7.  It would be easy enough to blame this on technical problems, a dog ate my blog, the boy stole my camera (this at least is true) I ran out of dresses that didn’t make me look like a lady of the night (semi-true, office workers with spare frocks take note).  Considering the nature of the blog though and the fact that I am trying to avoid falling into the trap of guilt and shame about my illness I suppose I had better be honest.  In the weeks coming up to my digital desertion Cheryl Cole insulted me publicly and I realised I had run out of unpleasant things to say about my former beaus.  Wait a minute, I may have borrowed that excuse from another brunette.  In actuality in spite of my attempts to keep the blues at bay, tablet changes and sheer sadness got the better of me and before I knew it the black dog had clutched me in its claws and it was all I could do not to surrender to it completely (the s word).

As it happened everything slipped and though there were dresses worn between days 157 and 173 the days have been dark and many of my days have been spent in nightgowns. Though negligees might be suitable for certain websites I will not be parading myself in nightwear on the blog; though I do admit that some of the dresses potential for pyjama confusion has been questionable, see day 17 for exhibit A.  Therefore as well as an explanation I have a request and a suggestion.  If everyone would not mind too much I think it might be better for my general health and well being if I start the blog again from the day I feel well enough to return to work and start my tippity tap typing days over.  If this is agreeable to my faithful followers the dresses worn in week 23 will be saved till some other time when I, the wearer am not too weary to blog or be captured on film.  Week 24 did not really involve too much dressing or dresses or leaving the house for that matter so you have missed no images from then and any you have missed I assure you were too terrible for public consumption.

I hope you will forgive me for my lapse in updates.  I did try several times before I plummeted all together to catch up and get back on track but I failed miserably.  For those who have sent dresses in the meantime or paid visits to the site I thank you for your support and your patience.

Good tidings to you all, Ellie x x x