Lost in notation blog

Day 157 – To always do that which we are afraid to

June 23, 2010 at 12:12 am (Uncategorized)

“Always do what you are afraid to do.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

“You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.” Mary Manin Morrissey

The difficult thing about depression is that in looking back on an episode it is hard to analyse or even understand what exactly went wrong.  The one thing I am always aware of though, as much from diary entries as its ever present lingering scent in the back of my mind is how afraid I become, of everything when I am ill.  I anticipate rejection in every situation, expect that people want to be free from my gloomy shadow and feel genuinely fretful about even the most trivial situations.

Going to the shops to get milk can be borderline impossible because in order to get there I must first face my fear of being seen looking like a bit of a scut and from there all of my worries about coming across anyone I know.  I fear their questions as I know that however they might respond I will assume they are judging me and thinking me a freak.  All of this means that unless someone physically brings the milk to my door, the chances of which have been greatly reduced in recent years because of my mother’s ongoing feud with the milkman, I tend to drink a lot of black tea and coffee when I’m depressed.

Yesterday I returned to work and what had seemed like a near impossible ask was surprisingly easy once I got over the fear and the angst.  Though I barely slept a wink the night before and had held off going on Monday as I’d had a tough weekend and was still too tearful to function today went okay.  When I’m going through a low patch I get so caught up in worrying about what people think that it can be easy to forget that for all our faults human beings are generally compassionate, caring and understanding creatures.

Oh but to live a life free of fear, if only our own, oh what a wonderful life that would be. Elinor O’Neill, Tuesday, June 24

• Today’s dress is a gift from my God mother.  She brought it over yesterday along with flowers, cakes and lots of love.  It sounds silly but seeing her gave me the boost I needed to take back the blog and face the fear of returning to work. The photos were taken on an iphone and don’t do it justice. It is wool, beautifully lined and fitted. Unfortunately it was a little warm for the day and while in court I was suffering as I had to keep my cardigan on but once I returned to the air conditioned office all was well. It’s good to be back.