Day 219 – Letting go
It has been weeks since I have properly seen both my parents and driving back yesterday I realised how much I missed seeing them. No matter what has happened in the past and more recent present I love them of course and feel lacking without them. Part of the reason I have been avoiding them is the conflict. Things are still raw and my mind is a mess and too fragile to get into another argument about who hurt whom.
As I was walking to work though I got a text from the giant asking me if I wanted to come over for dinner. It broke me, and even now nearly a week later writing this post I am weeping, because though I wanted to say no and stay away as its easier I feel dreadful about things being this way and I just want everything to be okay. What was worse is that though I know he does not realise why I was hurt he is trying to patch things up and it makes me feel awful and like a dreadful daughter for being this way.
Everything between us always seems to play out on an ever more emotive stage which is too high and too easy to fall from. Though it would have been easy to just put it off I am tired of the whole thing and I was worried about what would happen if I did but I said yes nevertheless. I miss my family and I feel so lost and alone. The house is proving to be more hassle than I could have imagined with me returning last night and waking this morning to find it a wreck and two random people asleep on the couch. These are things that I wish I could tell the giant but I do not want to admit that I am struggling as it seems to be a recurring theme and I feel like such a screw up.
Though I am freaking out about how the evening will play out luckily I have a session scheduled with the counsel. I am sad but more than anything I am tired of the drama and ready to just let it all lie for the sake of some quiet. It may not be healthy not to address the issues but there seems to be no point in being angry and upset it does me no good and gets us nowhere. I go over and it is hard but it is fine as we chat only about holidays, work and the rest of the family. I do not feel annoyed though just so sad that things became like this and when I go to my room to pick up my stuff I sit on the edge of the bed and cry like a child who has lost her teddy.
I have to stop writing now or I’ll never stop crying.
- The dress from today was a donation from Danielle Star. I am missing her as our yoga class has finished for the summer but she swapped me this at the first event. It is originally from Pradamark and has a simple but classic cut which is flattering to all bumps and lumps. The boy loves it but I think this is because it is short and worn with knee-high boots. This choice of footwear is because I cannot find the plug for my depilatory device. I think though that it is far better for him to believe I wear them because he likes them.
Daidy said,
August 30, 2010 at 12:47 pm
The plug is dad’ side of our bed.