Day 269 – The return of the crisis team
The crisis team are back in my life and though I know they are there to do a job and to make sure I am well I hate that they have to be involved. I am trying to stay out of my thoughts and seeing them means I have to look inward once again and it is not a place I want to be looking right now.
There are the basic things they must check upon, eating and sleeping and how things are generally. The truth is that I hate my body and I hate how much sleep I seem to need at the moment. I desperately want to be back to normal, eating when I am hungry not when the new tablets demand it. I have put on weight and though I know this is a good thing when I look in the mirror I hate what I see.
I seem to be sleeping too much yet when I wake I am still tired. When I am normal or perhaps when I am high I do not need to sleep this much and I can therefore get a lot more done. This is unhealthy I know and I need to just realise that I cannot do as much as I could five weeks ago but it is all taking a toll on me and leaving me rather low.
Work is a bone of contention because I desperately want to be able for it but I am struggling to get to that place. Even the blog, this thing that can at times help feels like a hindrance and just another way that I am failing to perform. I got behind with the posts in hospital and I am so desperate to catch up but again this means looking back. If I look back or too far forward anxiety kicks in and stress starts to set in along the way.
I want to be the girl I was before I went into hospital, I want to feel like me but free of all of this angst. It is a terrible thing to say but there are days like today when it all just feels too much and I wonder whether I should have stayed as an inpatient as handling this illness is hard and though I know I am not doing it alone and that the crisis team are here to help in reality there seems to be so little that they can do.
What I want is a solution but they have none to offer and this leaves me feeling blue as what is the point of talking to them when there is so little that can be done to fix this awful thing. I fear the depression returning especially on days like this when there is a dip in my mood. I have had good days and maybe I will have them again but at the moment it’s tough and I fear more than anything the return of the black dog. When will I be me again?
