Day 274 – And then the rains came
The depression is back and though it was predicted by the psych I feel so frustrated that it has returned. It is like a disease that grips you like a claw leaving you weak and powerless to do anything but watch as it leaks into every happy thought you ever had turning it all to hell. I have no idea what to do and how to stop it, I feel powerless and totally alone. I tried to eat, I tried to sleep, I tried to rationalise it away but it is nearly night and still it remains.
The crisis team came and I was so frustrated because there was nothing they could do to make it go away. Why is there not a pill that works for me, why does it keep coming back and why god why is this still happening to me.
I want it to end and I know that this is not the perspective of a well and rational being but I do. I have been through hell the last few weeks and still there is more to come. Why can it not go, why does it keep coming back and why can’t I stop it?
I feel sick with anxiety about everything in my life and though I feel more lonely than I can ever remember there is nobody I want to see. I speak to the boy and get angry because he does not understand then I feel guilty because it is not his fault and he is trying so hard.
The problem is that I hate myself on days like this. I look in the mirror and I see a hideous human being. A person who cannot cope, who is letting everyone down and who does not do enough for her friends or family. I feel utterly unloved but equally like a person who does not deserve to be loved. The s word is creeping in from the back of my mind and though there is still some small part of my mind able to hold it off it feels like it is growing and I don’t know what to do.
I do not trust the hospitals and I cannot properly talk to the crisis team as I fear they will want to see me back inside. I cannot go back to that place I just can’t but I don’t want this to carry on. I am going to give up on today, to write it off and just go to sleep praying that tomorrow it will have passed that it is just a blip and that it will stop. I look forward to the day when this disease, this awful thing will be all just an awful memory buried at the back of the mind. I do not know how much more of it I can take.
