Day 276 – Spinning round in circles
I want to go home, desperately I do but it seems as though I am caught in a web and the world just keeps on spinniing. In one breath I want to leave the ward, to go back to my wonderful house and in another I know that it is not the best place for me to be for I am not safe.
I am a prisoner of my own thoughts; they are all consuming and I so desperately want them to leave me in peace. I cannot see things improving and by all means it seems that today has been worse than ever before. People come to visit me and I do not know what to say. It is not normal to feel this way but I do and it is awful. In conversations about even the most trivial of subjects I become lost and I fail to keep up with even the slightest change of topic.
The tears keep on coming and the misery is deep inside me. I keep thinking this is not me, this is not my life and this is not my home. I should not be here I tell myself but feeling as I do where else can I go. I feel constantly alone and am racked with guilt about all that happened during the manic phase.
I need to look forwards, to treat each day at a time but all I can do is look back and think over all the awful things I said. I can tell myself I was scared, frightened and alone. I can tell myself it was entirely unavoidable but was it? I do not know but I am stuck here and have far too much time to think.
I try to distract myself but nothing works. I cannot read a page of a book or even focus on the titillating tales of a trashy magazine.
My doctor makes comparisons with mental illness and a physical condition. It seems he thinks that I must learn to compare it to a broken leg or a dysfunctional immune system, but this is a lot harder than it sounds as there are no obvious or outward symptoms.
I want to go home but I have no place to go and it feels as though there is nobody upon this earth who can understand what it is that I am going through.
