Day 268 – The dark days are coming
I am a bit of a freak as you already know and one thing that illustrates this is my love of the colder seasons. I am never warm enough even in the depths of summer and the reason I love winter is I get to walk around in the clothing equivalent of a high tog duvet.
Though the lack of sun light usually takes a hit at my happiness factor this is usually counter balanced by the beauty of winter fashion. I am particularly pleased this year because the ladylike look is really coming into play this season and big hair, check, 50′s style dresses, check and high heels, check, are all in.
In looking through all of the magazines everyone kindly sent in to help me survive hospital I have seen no sign of hideous crotch emphasising trousers, slipper style shoes or overly straightened styles. I feel as though the heavens have been shining upon me as I have a great amount of Mad Men style dresses that have been donated and now I can wear them without feeling like I’ve been busy in my dressing up closet.
I love the lady like look, especially the winter fashions and all the woollen tops and skirts really appeal to me. I was tempted today to pick up a camel coloured coat from Jaegur but figured that spending half my salary in one day could be enough of a reason to be returned to care. The one thing I miss is my standard winter uniform of a short flirty skirt, knee-high boots and a cashmere jumper. Dresses are great but I am low on winter ones and the only thing keeping me from freezing is jackets and the occasional thermal item of clothing.
I am hoping that this winter’s fashion will catch on and that femininity will make a return to the streets of Britain bringing with it festive cheer and a head turning look which is not prompted by a prominent camel toe. Uggs make me sad and fingers crossed with all the beautiful shoes on the market at the moment, both kitten heeled and stiletto sized, women will begin to turn their back on the age of the slipper.
- I picked today’s dress which was donated from a charitable source which must be kept a secret because it reminds me a little of the shape of the Louis Vuitton dresses of this season. Sadly I do not have the hair stylist or editing capacities that their stunning campaign has employed so though the dress is a gorgeous velvet and sink vintage number I am a tad dishevelled. On the plus side the boy was happy to take the pictures today due to the cleavage enhancing bow detail.
Day 267 – Mental Health Awareness Day
Today is Mental Health Awareness week and I wanted to take this day to maybe ask you all to do a little something if you can to help stamp out the stigma of mental illness which sadly still exists today. While on the inside and in life in general I have come across a lot of people who still see mental health issues such as depression as something one can just snap out of by swallowing it down and putting a smile on one’s face. We have done so much in the world to stamp out discrimination in terms of sexuality, race, religion and gender and yet mental health is an area where much prejudice and misinformation still exists but little is done about it.
High profile celebrities being open about their illness and for me at least I have found that by being honest about my own mental health issues it has allowed others to share head troubles with me far more easily than times in the past when I have hidden it all away.
The problem with coming out and being honest and open about one’s condition is the reaction of other people. When a friend or family member, colleague or even partner tells you they are feeling blue, you have a real opportunity to help them enormously just by reacting in a way which is supportive and understanding. This is of course difficult and the understanding part is where a lot of people fall down.
Though many people are affected by mental health problems many more are not and unless you have ever felt this way it is extremely hard to understand what your loved one is going through. I have felt in my heart for partners and friends in my past who just could not understand why it was that I would not get out of bed and why it was that I kept on crying. I felt for them because they tried to understand they really did but they didn’t know how to make it better and this then left them frustrated.
The great thing about today is that there are resources out there for people who want to support and be there for someone with mental health problems. There are meetings for carers, information in abundance on the internet and books about various conditions which can give some insight. the other option is to talk to the person and try to listen even if it makes no sense.
The more information there is available the better as there is nothing people with a mental health problem need more than to feel listened to, loved and god willing even on one occasion, understood. To mark this day, whether you are a head poorly person or not make a phone call to someone you know has been down, send a card or a letter or a book to make them smile or just call round there with a bottle of wine, a tub of hot chocolate or something nice to eat they can just put on to heat.
Remember that they may avoid your call because they are feeling low and do not want to be seen but try to be persistent as it can be dangerous to be trapped in thoughts for too long and there is nothing like a little company to drive the demons away. It is mental health awareness day so even if you have no time for the above just by being aware that these issues are real and that they exist you can make a difference.
Day 266 – Dancing away the blues
The boy has come down for the weekend and I am so excited to be free at last that I am finding it hard to follow the words of friends, family and my fellow patients and take things slow.
It is just so great to be out of hospital and though I still struggle in social situations, getting tired fast if I stay out too long, we are actually able to take a trip around a few shops. I even manage to avoid bumping into anyone I know which is a relief because I fear the question, “how have you been? like no other.
There are so many things that I want to do having been out of everything for so long. We go for lunch, do a little gardening, cook a fancy dinner and even then I still want more. It has been an age since I went dancing and tonight with my first glass of wine in weeks I try to persuade the boy to come clubbing with me. Thankfully he managed to hold me back as though I know I want to do all these things if I try too soon and fail it will set me back I know but it didn’t stop me wanting to waltz.
In the end the boy came up with a compromise. While the X Factor’s finest warbled and wobbled the boy indulged me in a little dance. It was not quite the crazy, none stop night I was looking for but as the boy himself reminded me gently, perhaps we’ve had enough crazy for the year.
- Today’s dress is one of those that was collected up for me by HP my supporter from the south. It is very pretty and perfect for dancing but a little on the chill side for day time. I wore it with a top from Coast which is one of my favourites as though it looks a bit plain from the front it is made up of chiffon and wool and has a big Chinese dragon sewn into the back which sounds odd but is quite nice. The teddy is Texaco who kept me company during my hospital stay and if I ever get a dog it will look just like him.
Day 265 – One hundred days left to go
So the dress project is coming to a close a hundred days from now. There have been days during the year when I admit I have wanted to give it all up and be the wear whatever I want girl. It is not so much wearing the dresses that is stressful it is the posts and finding someone to take the photos.
On this subject unfortunately with my recent incarceration though I continued to wear the dresses I did not think it was appropriate to ask the staff or other patients to take my pictures every day. In view of this I hope you will not mind if I upload the photos, when I finally find the time, of just the dress rather than a picture of me in the dress. There are some images of me wearing the dresses but I have fallen so behind with posts etc that I just need to get on with it and upload it before I fall further.
There are times that the dress project can be extremely stressful. This blog has not only my name to it but also my image and when I write posts that are not as wonderful as I wish they could be I feel frustrated and it leaves me rather disappointed with myself. I am excited about the next hundred days because as soon as I feel well again there are a few things I want to do with the blog. I was really pleased with Georgie’s post and the positive response it received. I am conscious that while I am trying to raise awareness of mental health there are gaps in my knowledge as though I have suffered depression, major depression, general anxiety disorder and bipolar I have never experienced numerous other conditions including eating disorders, post natal depression, schizophrenia and all the other conditions that this blog has so far overlooked.
If there is anyone who would be happy to do a blog post on a mental health issue of their own, a different perspective on depression or bipolar illness, or even a look in on how it is for a relative or friend coping with various mental health conditions so please get in touch. With one hundred days to go there is plenty of time to include these posts and I would really like to get more issues out there than just my own no matter how many I might have.
Day 264 – The freedom to feel
Over the last two weeks I spent inside I have had to keep my emotions equally inward. It was so important for me to get better and get home and back to my life that I could not compromise it with tears and anger. This is probably why, last night, on getting home I started to fall apart and crumbling like a sand castle kicked by a kid I cried three weeks of tears.
The boy bless his heart was worried to death and had no idea what to do. I felt so angry and so hurt at all that has been going on and looking back on what I have gone through I felt hopeless about the future. The boy wanted me to call the crisis team for some support but the trust there is gone as I fear they will see me not coping and return me to the inside.
I tried to eat something, to make some food but I couldn’t eat. I have been fighting for my freedom the past two weeks and last night having finally got it back it was as though I no longer wanted it. Looking back on all that had happened, both in Kettering as well as during my incarceration I struggled to see that there was any light left in the world.
Part of the problem I feel is that while inside one was being constantly monitored and even when I was sad I was too scared to express it as I feared it would count as a mark against me. While inside there was no counselling provided as there was no time and so last night, on the phone to the boy and face to face to my friend I let rip with two weeks worth of hurt feeling.
My friend, my wonderful friend who came over with bits for the fridge and yummy treats for my tummy. I felt for her having to hear all the hurt and though she did her best to pick me up I was inconsolable and stopping the tears was impossible.
Why I wanted to write this post today is that now there is perspective. After some sleep and forcing myself to eat this morning I have hope again and cannot figure out why but it’s back. I have gone from yesterday, being too low to walk to the shops to buy milk to a girl who with the help of the Fairy was able to complete a whole shop at Sainsbury’s and even managed to have lunch outside the home.
For those of you who tonight are in despair try not to give up, there is hope around the corner even if you cannot see it. For me and hopefully for you, this day, today is proof of that fact.
Day 263 – This is a dedication to those of you who in your own way have helped me save my fragile mind, my broken body and my shattered soul
This post has two distinct purposes; there is an apology that must be made to those of you who got caught up in the crossfire of this latest head poorly saga as well as a thank you to those of you who have helped me in whatever way to get through this time and who have helped me come out the other side alive, strong and still kicking.
When I first entered hospital nearly four weeks ago now I was physically a mess. Mentally i am now prepared to admit that perhaps I was not in such a great place and in hospital with far too much time to think I quickly deteriorated and looking back I can see that by the dreaded Thursday I had in fact entered into a full-blown manic episode.
Both in Kettering general Hospital, which I still maintain is a hospital where certain wards need a lot of work, and even in the Brandon Unit for myself it was the support of all of you that got me through. I know that I left many of you scared, terrified and confused in those four days that I was in Kettering and for this I apologise from the bottom of my heart and the tips of my toes to the rapidly diminishing hairs on my head. Though I tried to keep strong and sane I was terrified and looking back I can see this in the tweets and updated statuses on my Facebook.
It must have been truly worrying for all of you, I was getting weak and each of those tweets I believed in at the time. I genuinely thought I was going to die it felt as though my body was failing me. There was the faints, the necessary use of a wheelchair to avoid any more head hitting during these faints. While in the chapel, praying after being told why they wanted to feed a camera down my throat, I collapsed and still have no idea how long I was out cold. I was as tired as I have ever been and with nobody playing Nurse Lucy by my bedside there were long periods where I was without the support of family and friends.
What I have to be thankful for however is that while in Kettering, the messages that you sent, both on twitter and Facebook, and the visits you made really helped to keep me going. I remember having a shower on Tuesday night after being admitted to the ward. I was exhausted, scared and sad and the one relative I had seen had walked out in anger after I had foolishly asked what had taken him so long to come. I was desperately weak and the only way I could get clean and into new clothes was by sitting on the floor of the shower room. I was literally having to crawl to the cupboard where I had placed my clothes. When I got back into bed I checked my phone and I had lovely messages from friends of the boys, people from my work place and even a horde of people who I love but had not seen for some time.
Again in the Brandon Unit, after finally accepting that the only way to get out was to play the good girl, the messages and the visits continued. I later found out that the reason I arrived at that hellish place alone was because the doctors advise relatives and loved ones that it would be too distressing to see someone sectioned. Personally I think that this is complete crap, I needed support there more than ever before as they attempted and sadly succeeded to hold me against my will. The reason I put up such a fight on the first night and the reason I was so distressed is that my phone was out of battery and taken to a locker and I no longer had any way of reaching out for help.
In some ways I agree that this was a good thing as it would have been distressing for followers of my updates to hear what happened on my first night in this place but suffice it is to say that it was the single worse night of my life and I still cannot talk about it without feeling the urge to simultaneously throw up and cry.
I have still not had a chance to return all of the calls and messages sent to me during my time in hospital but I wanted to let you all know that you helped me survive the section, truly you did. While at the Brandon, friends and the fairy visited every day, dropping in chocolates, drinks and sweets to keep me going. The amount of magazines I now have could serve every Toni and Guy in the country but they will not be doing so as they have been put to far better use keeping myself and fellow inmates distracted.
Though things with the boy are still difficult, he put aside his own personal pride and visited me even when I refused to see him. Though I have been through hell your presence has made this hellish place feel a little more bearable and with the help, support and continuous jibes of my fellow inmates, now friends, I am now able to leave.
Thank you all of you, thank you for everything. For supporting me and for not turning your back because it got complicated. Thank you for reading the blog and for being there. It is mental health awareness week and it feels appropriate that I also dedicate this post to those of you who try to help those of us in this world who do suffer at times because of a mental health condition. Thank you for not forgetting about me, for remembering that behind these words there is a girl who was broken but has been pieced back together again thanks to compassion, love and understanding. Thank you.
Day 262 – Leaving behind the strangers that are now the beloved friends, the compassionate companions and fellow inmates during my time of incarceration
Tomorrow I will be leaving this place but it will not be an abdication of ease as I have a heavy heart in leaving behind those who I have come to love. I met with a priest while here and he told me a story of a woman who in being here became a better person. This was not because of the drugs she took, or the council the place provides, she became a more compassionate being and was able to leave her own needs and depression aside because she reached out to those with greater needs than her own.
This story I understood when he told it because in here we all look out for one another. There are, as with anywhere personality clashes, arguments and run ins with other patients but the over-riding warmth of the patients to one another is a thing in here that is truly divine and gives us all hope.
There have been days when I have been low, when I have wanted nothing more than for all this to come to an end yet I have been saved time and time again by others who have been kind. When I leave here tomorrow this place will not fall apart but in my mind I am sad to go and to leave my friends behind.
After being away from this place and stable for some time one has the option to return as a volunteer. When I first read about this on the ward’s posters my first instinct was why would I ever willingly return to a place which has been a place of such sadness for me. Now though, nearly two weeks into my stay I understand why.
All the time we see food packages, blankets, teddies and other comforts sent to soldiers and those in need at home and abroad. Our society at large is a charitable one and there are countless people who pay installments to Cancer Research, the RSPCA and Age Concern. There is a need in a place like this for charity from the outside but perhaps due to stigma or a lack of a presence of mental health issues in the press such needs go largely ignored.
I hope to one day, once I am well, to return to this place and if allowed I will do so even sooner. While here, it has been the visits and the food parcels from friends and family that has kept me alive alongside the kindness of strangers inside who I now feel able to call friends.
If any of you are ever looking for a way to give back to society, to help people in need, perhaps look to wards like this and to people with a mental health problem who need help in the form of compassion and understanding. Our health service is currently crippled by debts and irresponsible cuts by the current government but there is still a need for people here to feel listened to. It would not even be necessary to give your time, perhaps even sending those of us here a pack of cards, an unused board game or a couple of DVDs you no longer need.
It is hard to stay sane in here and the nurses are often too pressed for time with paperwork, red tape and regulated checks to give themselves over to simple things like organising games or activities to make these long days a little shorter. If you ever feel like picking up the slack by volunteering your own time or just by sending in supplies please do so.
Time in her goes slow and our luxuries are limited. Though the food is generally good, snacks are in short supply and fresh coffee is only available when one is not bound to the ward. It is the simple pleasures that can get us through these tough times along with a kind word, tobacco or even just a bar of chocolate or a pretty coloured plant.
Sadly alcohol is not allowed on the ward, which is a shame really given the well-known health benefits of a glass of Merlot or the sweet smell of a Jack Daniels and coke or as one of my lovely friends here suggests combining the whiskey with the Scots fine brew of Irn Bru. I was sceptical but have been assured it is delicious and am looking forwards to ordering it the other side.
Our time is always a limited thing and of course charity begins at home but if you can spare any of your own or even as I said just send in a parcel to make our own time here more bearable get in touch and I will point you in the right direction.
Often people who are depressed or suffering from a mental health condition want to be left alone but this does not mean that a letter, an email or even just a single text will not be appreciated. It is World Mental Health week from Monday and perhaps to mark it you could send some small words of comfort to a friend. Such things make all the difference and there is nothing like giving a little to make you glow a lot.
Day 261 – Be still, be calm, be strong and have faith; in time little one, in just a little more time, there shall be an ending to these terrible time
There will be an end to all of this I know that there will but it seems like a long way away and though I have agreed to stay until Wednesday I wonder whether I made the right choice. I miss my friends, my family, my home and my wardrobe. I have been lucky here, I have made friends and when I have been a little low like today there have been people there to give me a hug, make me laugh or just tell me to lift my bloody chin up.
I feel weak today, physically as well as mentally. The issue is that the psych warned that I am to expect a low due to the high and I keep freaking out that it is just around the corner waiting for me like the awful fog that it is.
The problem with being in hospital is that one has far too much time to think. A way of getting through the day is dividing the day carefully with a combination of reading, pampering, eating and smoking. These activities can kill off quite a good body of time but there are still a lot of hours left to fill. The good thing is that me and my crew are fairly imaginative, we play cards, make up a pub quiz with a Stretton Ward round in it. I have tried teaching my room mates yoga and ****head to my fellow inmates.
While here I have watched more TV and DVDs than at any other time in my life and the amountt of magazines I have read is unthinkable. Last Sunday for the first time I read the Sunday Times cover to cover and then finished off my reading round the clock marathon with a look over Heat magazine.
I worry a lot about what life will be like after this place but the truth of the matter is that I feel a lot more content. This place has taught me the value of relaxation, of taking time for oneself and even for just enjoying life one day at a time. I think I have learned to slow down a little and in some ways maybe my coming here was a good thing though I still wish that a choice was offered to me rather than it be done in the sneaky way that it was.
This place has taught me a lot and I have been lucky enough to meet some wonderful people but I will be glad to be home but I will miss the simplicity of it all and the wonder of being around people who actually get what I am and what I will always to some extent be going through. Tonight those people and I will be watching the Devil Wears Prada in between drinking numerous cups of tea and coffee, eating sweets, crisps and cakes and smoking countless cigarettes.
It is a naughty thing to smoke I know but everyone needs a hobby and it is lovely getting a breath of fresh air under the star lit sky which can be watched free of charge by us all. Even in this prison we can still look out to see the stars seen by all.
Day 260 – The dresses that are keeping me sane
So here’s the thing, on the inside as with the outside there are days that this dress project has kept me sane. While in hospital though it has been hard and there have been days that I have felt like walking round in a dressing gown and god forbid slippers I have resisted. There have been days when a certain nurse who seems to have taken a dislike to me has commented on the inappropriate nature of my footwear but by continuing to dress as I do I have felt able to hold my head high.
Today’s dress is no exception and is my kind of outfit. Though I love women who have a style of their own and are able to pull off edgier looks I tend to be a little lame and stick to the classics. The one thing that cannot be disputed about this dress is the feminine touch that the velvet and close cut shape gives the wearer. Admittedly I had to get a bit creative with the shoulder pads to give my deflated chest some shape but the cut gives an hourglass to even the most diminished of siloutees and for me it was refreshing to feel like a woman again.
Today we wondered around Leicester, had lunch at Cafe Bruxelles where I flirted shamelessly for another ladle of gravy and bought £300 worth of knee-high winter boots for just £31 from the House of Fraser outlet store which was an act of anti depressant properties alone. While we wondered I could not help but be a little self-conscious and though I will be free to leave at lunchtime tomorrow based on today I wonder whether I am ready.
Physically I am still so tired and even just the small act of eating out with the boy last night took it right out of me. We were at the restaurant for an hour and a half before the pain got too much and I began to feel faint, tired and anxious as there were just so many people. One of my friends from on the inside warned me that after spending so long in hospital everything on the outside would seem very loud and he was right. It was often totally overwhelming and though I would love to go home tomorrow I do not know whether I am ready just yet.
Some of the nurses have been great, talking over all the options with me telling me that they would like me to stay voluntarily just till Wednesday to make sure I am reday to face society again but I feel like a fraud and a failure as I am sure there are others more in need of my bed.
I am lucky in that there are people who have been bringing me back both inside the hospital and from without. I want to be better, properly better and able to walk down a street without worrying what people think. I am not usually one to care how strangers see me but the dress got a few bitchy looks and though I could usually shrug it off today it hurt a little.
I am nervous about tomorrow, I am scared of what the future will bring and I am desperate to find a cure for these ills. I want to go home so badly but I also want to be well. I feel lost and alone and I do so badly want to stay home but I am still on a section and so it is back to the ward I must go. I miss my life as I know it.
Day 259 – Dressed for day release and for a sister who is no more
What with all the drama I am annoyed that my sister’s 11 year anniversary went by without suitable recognition by myself. Thanks to a wonderful nurse here I was allowed to leave the hospital for a short while to go and say a prayer in the chapel which was an extremely kind act on her behalf. She did not have to do it, I technically had no right to leave the ward as I was still ward based but she did and I will never forget it.
Catherine, my beautiful older sister died 11 years ago on the Wednesday that has just passed, the day of my review this year. She was a truly wonderful person who never bitched at all other than about me but she had every right as I did keep nicking her clothes.
Her death changed things for all of the family as she was such a calming part and linked us all together in such a way that once she was gone we never really knew quite how to be the family that we once were. I had made a decision, prior to my imprisonment that this year we as a family would do something special to mark the day but due to me being here it did not get done and so tonight I marked it by wearing this dress.
Catherine was unimaginably beautiful, a real knock out with long dark thick hair, a honey and peaches complexion and one of those figures we all wish we had but it was her warmth that made her more beautiful than anyone I have met in my lifetime. When she was buried we chose to dress her in a red chinese silk dress that she had loved which was bought from a chinese shop in Harborough. The saddest thing of all is that I never remember her wearing this dress during her lifetime.
She lost so much weight you see that her clothes, and they were of impeccable taste, no longer fit her as they once had. Her beautiful hair was gone but she did not like to wear the itchy wig created for her choosing instead to wear hats, silk scarves or just baring her crown for all the world to see. Before she died I had painted her nails for her, a very vivid blue that my mother still keeps to this day. The nails did not match the dress but I could not bare to take it off and so my father mentioned at the funeral, bringing a lighter tone to his talk, that we knew she would be cross with us for her inappropriately color coordinated outfit.
The boy took me out tonight for dinner and it was wonderful. Nothing was said to him about the day but in my own private way all I could think about was my sister and how much I wished the boy had known her. There are differing beliefs in our world about the big question over heavens and reincarnations or just plain old ashes to dust. Whatever you believe however I know how I feel about my sister and that is she lives on in all that knew her and all who she inspired in her short life.
When Catherine died we had floods of cards and letters and the church was packed by her admirers male and female alike. There was a butterfly on that day who flew among the gathered landing on people only for a glimpse of a second reminding us or so I feel that she was not gone.
I miss my sister more than I can ever properly put into words but I want her life to be ever celebrated as she bought so much joy and still when I think of her in her finest moments, throwing a washing basket at my head after I stained her best dress, I still smile.
Though i did not get a chance to have the celebration this year that I wanted perhaps I could ask that those of you who knew her take a little time to remember her here. If you have any particular memory of her or even of your own loved ones lost feel free to share but also if you did know her and would not be comfortable doing this even just remembering her name and what she meant to this world would be deeply appreciated by me and the rest of my family. We were lucky, we were blessed but now it has gone and I must stop because I cannot hold back the tears any longer and the boy does not understand why but so it is, she is gone and our hearts break a little more every time we recall this awful fact of our lives.
