Day 326 – Saying goodbye to safety
Come tomorrow, it could be the case that the team decides I am ready to leave this place. Unlike before, when I was still on a high I am alarmingly anxious about the thought of my freedom. I have been up and down like a yo yo all week and the thought of handling this thing, this illness by myself terrifies me.
Here if I am having a bad day, if the suicidal thoughts return, at least I am in a place where I am safe. There are no stresses here, dinner is cooked and even our entertainment is provided by the ward in the form of craft lessons and more importantly hours if Wii worthy bowling competitions.
It is the loneliness that scares me most of all. In the real world people work, have children that they care for and lives which must be lived, even if I need someone will I be brave enough to call and to cry out for help.
In a lot of ways I am looking forwards to discharge, to taking a step towards living once more a normal life but equally I am scared of going to soon, of all I am capable of when the blues hir me and of how I will relate to a world without routine, structure or safe guards. I am scared. Truly I am terrified of all the Thu ha that the outside world has to offer, the things with which I fear I will fail to deal with.
I feel horribly alone and I am yet to leave the building.
