Day 327 – Freedom with an unfortunate twist
After a brief review in which my naughty little high moods were alluded to, the psych and the team have decided to let me free, to send me home to the big bad world. Unfortunately one of the conditions of my release is that I shall nor be allowed to drive for a maximum of three months.
Though I should be doing my best to focus on the positive, the thought of so much time away from the wheel is extremely depressing. The car has helped me to keep a long distance relationship together and has also given me the ability to fly away at a moments notice. The reason for this ruling is that sometime ago, without a warning from the trust not to drive, a girl with a mental health problem got in her car and in a horrific accident killed two people. Because if this tragedy the trust are understandably cautious about letting people drive following a period of admission.
I do feel ready to leave but my heart is full of worry about the what and ifs of the next few weeks. Will I be able to understand my illness enough to keep this from ever happening again? Will I be able to ask for help when I need it? Will the drugs agree with me?
All of these things have been on hold while I have been inside. I have had a reason for why I have been a bad daughter, partner and friend, I have been ill in hospital putting all of my energy into trying to get better.
Now though I will be in the real world where people like me are generally expected to deal. I want to get back to work, to my life to all of the things that have been on hold but I am sad to be saying goodbye to the safety of this place and the friends and nurses who have pulled me through even when I wanted nothing other than to lie in a dark corner and die.
The real world awaits me outside these locked doors, I pray it will go slow until I can get go and let go of all my worries.
