Day 328 – Meditation upon a new situation
Other than feelings if extreme loneliness my first day away from the ward has gone surprisingly well.
With the help of my mother I filled morning with a meditation class which guided me into a state of extreme relaxation.
Everywhere though feels so busy after the comparative calm of the ward where there were no new faces and few surprises.
The meditation killed a couple of hours and then my mother, again to the rescue helped me out by taking photos of near on thirty dresses I have worn during my time in the ward.
I want to be me again, not a girl who worries over how she might be seen. I am struggling to handle life after the ward are it is all so busy and hectic yet also quiet and lonely.
My allocated cpn came to visit bringing me a useful tool with which to monitor my progress, a diary of moods, trigger signs and lists of medication. It will help no doubt but when I went to fill it in it made me sad to think of how flat I have become in just one day away from the safe place.
Sometimes I hate myself and all I have become. The fact that I am reliant on medication and so many other people to keep me on a level to keep me sane.
I think of all the people in the world who are living a life without assistance. These people have stresses just the same as me and more yet they cope.
The crisis team are involved again and the whole thing makes me feel like a failure especially when I remember just how long this has been going on.
I am conscious of how much my life has changed since I have been ill. Of how much more I am dependent on others to carry me through the tough times.
I think back to last year when I felt independent and in control of this illness. Those days seem to have slipped away and sanity and stability have passed me by in the night.
I rant I cry and I fall off to sleep with tears filing my eyes. I am, as I had longed to be, home at last, but I qm still not happy and though I hate to speak the words I worry that with the anti depressant removed the sadness will return.
Considering that this was meant to be a positive post much like the mood at the moment the negatives slowly seeped in. I thought I was better, that I was coping, now I am not so sure.
manny said,
December 1, 2010 at 4:38 pm
You forgot to mention that during the meditation, when you had enough of the hippy stuff you kept pinching me !