Day 330 – A spotlight on schizophrenia
In 2003 (circa) I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and my health began to go rapidly down hill. At the time I was doing a degree at Glasgow university and I had a partner who, despite not being very supportive, I loved.
At one point the Classics department sent me (and lots of other students) away with a cheque and told us to go and see some of the sites of the classical world. Since everyone else had paired up I went on my own to Italy and stayed in Rome.
I’m not really sure exactly what happened next, and I expect the memories are locked away in a part of my mind labeled ‘deal with later’. It is amazing what you remember when you’re not trying. Anyway, I remember running out of money and having my wallet stolen. As a result of this I began to experience some of the schizophrenia symptoms which I (thought I) had control over. This included, but was not limited to, voices in my head telling me to do antisocial things (like getting into fights), and seeing people who I thought I recognised when, in fact, it could not have been them and for all I know they may have been figments of my imagination. If you ever get the chance to watch A Beautiful Mind I would highly recommend it.
So, when I got home I was put into hospital, and because of this I can relate to a lot of what Ellie says about her ward. It was both comforting (a safe, easy, routine type of existence) and disturbing (when I had glimpses of how it might look to the outside world). People used to say “pull yourself together”; they may not say it any more, but many still believe it. This is unhelpful as many people with mental illnesses want nothing more than to be “together” but, owing to their condition and/or the effects of medication, they simply cannot make the leap from hospital ward to outside society.
I spent several months in different hospitals, trying new medications and building, slowly, the foundations for a new life, one in which I took care of myself and adapted to my limitations, seeking out positives whilst being realistic about negatives. As a result of such “baby steps” I have been able to finish an MA in Classics with the Open University, and in September I began a hairdressing course at Tresham college. I pride myself on the fact that I have not missed a single class and, indeed, have never been late. This, to my mind, is me controlling the illness rather than the illness controlling me. It’s taken a long time to get to this stage, but I want to tell you (I know I’m sounding like an evangelist!) that there is light at the end of the tunnel and just because you cannot see it does not mean it isn’t there.
Anyway, I hope this isn’t a load of complete cods-wallop and thanks to Ellie for giving me the opportunity to sound off!
Keep calm and carry on.
James
