Day 332 – The deviant in the depressive
This post will not lie easily on any ears. This morning I woke up, for whatever reason, with one thing on my mind, ending it all. I was miserable and could not see a future with any happiness in it. Somewhere in my head I may have known that this was just a blip but the overriding factor was that it had returned and that I would never feel normal again.
It did not help that I kept ruminating on what an awful person I was and whether or not I would ever be able to live a normal life. I kept looking back to Friday night when we had to leave half a bottle of wine on the table because the talking got too loud. It did not help that I kept thinking of all the happy couples, friends and families we had seen going out and making merry at Manchester’s Christmas Markets.
With all the happiness I saw it made me realise m ore and more just how low I had sunk. Though I went to bed early, I dreamed only of sadness and the moment my eyes were open I knew I wanted to end it.
In the interests of the safety of others I will leave out the detail of how but suffice to say my fourth suicide attempt did not work as I am sitting here now typing this out.
I can however tell you why, at the time, it felt so important to end it all. I am frustrated by how many weeks I have lost to this illness and the fact that still, weeks later I can wake up feeling like there is no life worth living.
This is the danger of my illness, how rapidly the cycles can take me from fine and dandy to depressed and longing for death. I know that there are tons of people who are trying to get me help and make me better but yesterday I wanted nobody and would reason with no one as everyone refused to accept the fact that I wanted to either go home alone or be dead.
I became frustrated and agitated and kept trying to get past the boy to leave the house, climbing out of windows to get far from here and even searching for enough pills to overdose. This was not me though I am sure. I am not usually a deviant or dishonest person and yet the feelings of wanting to die were so strong that I was prepared to end it anyway. It kills me how rapidly this illness cycles, how much I miss out upon because it is a part of me.
I pray that you never feel this alone and so desperate for an end. Before you act, as sadly I did, try calling someone if you can. I hear the Samaritans provide an excellent service and they can be reached on 08457 909090
