Day 355 – A crisis in a crowd
Things have definitely been looking up. Today I managed to go out in public which was a massive step. For the most part I have been largely confined to the walls of my home and the ward and so stepping out to Leicester town centre was quite a big deal.
It went fine at first. In spite of the Christmas crowds I managed to navigate my way around quite successfully and did not allow myself to become flustered by the bright lights. We went for coffee in a cafe which was again a big step which seems sad but is true.
The problems began when we went to the supermarket. All of a sudden the crowds felt like they were closing in and I suddenly felt very aware of the pit of my stomach filling up with butterflies. My mother and the boy were a great help and kept me close while we finished the shop but it all just suddenly seemed too much to handle.
I am scared that this is another symptom and that I will never again be the confident woman I once was. Back in the day I was the president of my hall and at one time the social secretary. How can it be that now, five years on I am unable to handle something as simple as a supermarket?
Perhaps I am expecting too much too soon but I do just want to be better and the anxiety when it kicked in felt like a major set back. All I can do is try again tomorrow and hope that it was just a little too much to expect it all to come right at once.
