Day 360 – Lonely this Christmas
I am struggling to get back to what I once was. I look at old photographs, read old letters and even look through old blogs just to see what it was that I used to be. The tablets do not seem to be working, or only perhaps it is that they are working and that this flat, lonesome and shy girl is who I really am.
I miss the days when I was the socially outgoing girl who was making a life for herself doing the job that she loved. I miss walking into a room and feeling as though I had presence.
The tablets, the new ones have made me put on weight and now I look in the mirror and feel sick at what I see.
I am pushing myself to get back to normal and though I did not necessarily feel ready I forced myself tonight to go back to my flat and to spend the night alone in my home. It would be so easy to stay with my parents and avoid the void that takes over when I am by myself.
I am in my thoughts too much and they are not good thoughts. The boy is back home for the holidays and thanks to my lack of car and if I am honest my own lack of ability to communicate of late I feel far away from the friends that I have.
Over the past few days it has been made devastatingly clear to me just how little I have left to say or to give in the way of conversation. I have spent the better part of the last few months in a hospital which is not something that many people would ever want to hear of.
I want to be back to being me but in spite of my efforts this wish seems so impossibly unattainable. I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat and lonely girl who has become brain numbingly dull.
The depression refuses to lift and it has left me ever so lonely at a time of year when things are meant to be a joy. I am sad and so low, I pray that this will pass, it cannot surely last.
