Lost in notation blog

Day 362 – An extraordinary year

December 29, 2010 at 6:31 pm (Uncategorized)

Years ago, before I was even diagnosed with bipolar I remember reading an article about a girl with manic depression who had to be hospitalised for her condition three times.  She was fairly blaze about the process and I remember feeling particularly pleased that through all the depressive phases I had never had to enter an institution.

Two years on and three hospital visits of my own and all smug feelings have gone by the wayside.  It still shocks me now and again to remember that three months of my life have been spent in a psychiatric ward.  I still have very little insight into what went on in those few days before I was sectioned and even now reading my updates on Facebook and twitter from that time leave me anxious and alarmed.

There is no question of the fact that I was not myself and that I genuinely believed that I was ill.  There were of course physical symptoms I know that to be the truth but I remember feeling so afraid of everyone around me.  I had fallen out with all of my family and have never felt so alone in all my life as I felt while lying in that hospital bed in Kettering.

When I arrived at the ward I was convinced that I was in some kind of dream like state and that I would wake up soon.  I was unpleasant and irrational and in many ways I do not blame the staff for banging me up in isolation though I wish it could have been done with a little more dignity.

When I started this project I had no idea of the drama the year before me held.  I was convinced that it would all be just a bit of fun but the illness got the better of me and I lost control of everything.

I have been lucky in that I have survived all stages of this illness.  Though I am still feeling a bit flat the worst of the thoughts have left me and I have been told that any future episodes of mania when I climb to the level of psychosis should be avoided.

What is strange is that in spite of the support that everyone has shown me I still feel ashamed of what went down in September.  I was ill, maybe not in the way that I thought I was but I was ill all the same but in my head this does not feel like enough of an excuse.

People have been good to me and not once has anyone judged me, to my face at least for all the wrongs that happened when I was high.  My friends and family stuck by me even when I was turning them away and for this I am truly thankful.  I hope that the coming year will be better than the last and though I am often known as having diva like tendencies I am hoping that 2011 will be comparatively dull.  I think I have had my fair share of drama for a lifetime at least.