Posting from purgatory
It has been some time since I have written, since I have blogged, since, if I am being honest, since I have done anything at all.
Recovery has been the name of the game and I have been ill for so long that I forgot what it was like to feel joy. The past couple of months, indeed the last four months I have been surviving. Resisting the urge to embrace the s word and to just make all the misery go away has been the main aim of my every game.
Thanks to all the tears, the sadness, the utter isolation of this illness I have become a near recluse. My Facebook and Twitter accounts have been inactive and it felt every day like a little bit of me was dying inside.
Yesterday though, I felt the creative urge stir within me once again. I woke up wide awake at 4am like I did in the good old days and it struck me how much I want to live again.
I am sick of just surviving, of waiting for a high that may never come again and I am desperate to be back.
Two weeks ago, while out for a friends birthday, I found myself laughing, naturally, for the first time in months. Then, last week, while out with friends for dinner I nearly had to pinch myself to check I wasn’t dreaming when I realised that I was enjoying myself. It has been so long you see since I felt that way that I nearly cried with relief.
To know that those feelings can again be in my life, to know that I am not confined, though it sometimes seems that way, to a life of sadness, is just, well it is such a beautiful thought.
I can’t promise you pictures, or dresses or even daily updates but I can promise you this, little by little I am getting myself back and sooner or later the blog may be back too.
