Starved of emotion
The problem with the drugs that I am on at the moment is that they work. They work so well that I am trapped in a personality no longer my own. I don’t feel like I used to, I don’t act like I used to and I don’t even look like I used to. The drugs starve me of all the emotions that I used to feel: the sadness, the anger, even the joy.
I feel as though I have undergone a chemical lobotomy against my will and if I am being totally honest I am tempted to ditch the drugs. So I no longer have the crippling lows that leave me near comatose. I must admit, this is an improvement and well done oh thou great makers of the drugs, it is nice to be conscious at least.
The trouble is that this chemistry lark seems to be experimental at best and a bloody nuisance at worse. I want to get back to the level at which I feel like myself, to the level where not everything is a chour and to the time when socialising was my reason du jour.
Those of you who know me know that I love to talk, and to those of you who have been at my mercy when I wont stop, apologies. The truth is though that at the moment you might not recognise me as I can no longer converse as I used to. I find myself looking around desperately for subjects, coming out with random statements like so how do you feel about the situation in the middle east while lying in bed with the boy. For those that want to know, he thinks it’s all a bit daunting but seems to be favoring the rebels.
It is as though my imagination has faded and with all my crazy gone all that is left is the calm and I feel as dull as a grey school skirt in winter. Is it wrong to want a little of the crazy back in my life, to prefer the days where I cooked a dozen dishes in the early hours of the morning, pillaging the basil plant to create my own pesto.
What I’m trying to say is I just want enough of it back to be me again. I’m going to talk to the psych and see if I can persuade him to double the duloxetine or to reduce the aripirizole – anti-depressant and mood stabiliser to the uninitiated. Maybe they can chemically unbalance me a little, there is something all too serene about my new found sanity.
Kevin Patel said,
March 7, 2011 at 11:13 pm
Still upset about the basil plant, although I too am favouring the rebels x
Tim Moeslein said,
April 5, 2011 at 7:12 am
Ellie- Please continue to write. Your story is meant to be told and heard. It is wonderful that you have embraced your diagnosis and are sharing it with the world at large. Everyone needs to hear what you have to say. I have just spent the last hour reading many of your earlier posts. The clarity you have even when you are experiencing the spectrum’s of your disorder is incredible!
I think that your dress a day initiative is awesome and I hope that it was a grand success and was able to earn your charities a good deal of money. I love that you want to use a portion of the money to purchase leisure items for the ward. It is a shame that there isn’t money in institution’s budgets to properly equip their wards with those items. Hats off to you for such a great and creative fund raiser.
I love looking at all the pictures of the dresses with you modeling them. You are a beautiful woman and never let anyone or any delusion tell you otherwise!
Peace+ Tim