He who cares: Guest blog from Jon Pollard on being a carer for his mum who has been diagnosed with dementia
As someone who is often asked who is your carer I thought it might be interesting to get a perspective from someone who is one. I first spoke to Jon Pollard after he contacted us at the Harborough Mail about a blog he writes on his experience of caring for a woman with dementia, his mum.
Jon is a warm and articulate writer from Harborough and I hope you will enjoy this guest blog from him and pay him the compliment of commenting and looking up his own blog which makes for an insightful and interesting read.
I had a nice experience shopping for a new jumper with Mum in Market Harborough the other day. Most shops we visited we were met with the normal shrugs and mumbles from indifferent assistants, especially once they realised
Mum may be a little “different” One shop excelled though and I will name it here for you locals, it was “Jacks” in Church Street. Very helpful and above all very very patient. Whisked Mum away into the changing room and helped try countless jumpers till we were all happy with one. Proper service. Well done.
My name is Jon, I am full-time carer for my Mum Carol who has Vascular Dementia. I upped sticks from the Wirral to Market Harborough a few years ago to investigate when we detected Mum may be having one or two problems. Once we had finally managed to secure a diagnosis I decided I should stay.
Initially I worked full-time but gradually Mum’s needs have meant spending more and more time with her so I now care full-time.
In this time as Mum’s carer I have encountered an interesting fact about dementia, people are scared by it. Tell a friend you have developed cancer and watch the flowers and fruit flood in, tell them you have developed a “mental” illness and watch most of them shuffle off into the distance mumbling to themselves.
If you just take the time to consider that the person is still in there somewhere, struggling to understand. Struggling to be understood. Imagine the frustration you would feel if day by day the words you use to express yourself were gradually disappearing.
The thoughts and concepts were still in your mind but you had no way to express them. This is the most noticeable manifestation of dementia with Mum, but no two cases are alike.
An example of a typical conversation,
“I`m looking for it”
What are you looking for Mum?
“It’s the red, you know”
Do you know where you put it?
“It’s in the thing, it was in the thing”
What thing Mum
“It’s the red one”
Repeat ad infinitum
This can lead to frustration, and even anger on both sides. We can usually get to the bottom of it eventually ( this time it was a scarf ) but it can take a long time.
Sometimes you just have to admit defeat and divert attention away from it, whatever it may be. Nine times out of ten it will soon be forgotten anyway.
Another problem is the order things happen.
Mum will understand, for example, that to make a cup of tea there is a chain of events involved, say
1.Get cup out
2.Get tea caddy out
3.Boil Kettle
4.Put tea bag in cup
5.Add water
6.Add milk
7.Put tea caddy away
These things could be done in any order though, the tea caddy could be put away before the tea bag is in the cup, water can be added before it is boiled, there are countless possibilities for this simple action. Imagine that amplified to everything that happens on an average day.
As a carer you have to adjust your speed of life, have to adjust to the fact that the simplest of things is going to take several times longer than you would expect and be twice as complex as it needs to be.
I could just do everything for Mum, it would be so much simpler but I think it’s important to encourage her as much as possible to maintain as much independence as possible.
I suppose the point I am trying to make is if you encounter someone who appears a little “different”, maybe a little confused or tongue-tied don’t run a mile, don’t show your impatience, don’t immediately direct questions to their companion. Have a little patience, it could be Mum and me.
So back to Jacks. Hard to believe that something as simple as buying Mum a jumper could be such a nice experience for me. To come across an assistant as helpful and patient is so refreshing. Asking Mum questions, only coming to me when Mum got really stuck, all in all a little time and patience resulted in a sale and me and Mum leaving the shop smiling, and certain to return.
PS. If you know someone who is a carer and not sure what to buy them as a gift for Christmas or birthdays, you won’t go wrong with organising a full day off for them. Better than any other gift, trust me.
