The ‘S word’ becomes defunct
There was a time not so long ago when I would refer to my own experience of suicidal thoughts and idealisation as the ‘S word’. I have decided that this must and will change.
In some ways calling it this meant I thought at the time I was not giving it the time of day, and it was softer to say and less harsh on others ears than saying “Good God, I feel suicidal.”
I have now decided to skip the jargon and call a plate a plate. I fear by referring to it as the ‘S word’ I am trivialisng a symptom of my illness which is life threatening. Also it makes it sound like a dirty word, and although I am by no means suggesting it is in some way a word to use lightly, it is still a word and an important one that often gets swept under the carpet because it can make us feel uncomfortable.
The fact of the matter is that some people do from time to time feel suicidal and they do from time to time try to kill themselves. It is not a pleasant fact and even I, who have tried it on several occasions, am squirming in my seat while writing this blog. So much so that I have decided to ask the boy to read it through prior to posting.
Many people this year have died at their own hands and the sad fact is that they didn’t have to. The most common cause of death of a person with bipolar is suicide. This is a fact that terrifies me, my family and even my friends, and is a fact that I will have to live with every day of my life.
The cold reality is that one day the suicidal thoughts will come back, and when they do there is little that can be done to stop them. The important thing is however that they can be stopped, the depression can end, and you do not ever have to go through with it.
One of the aims of my blog this year is to encourage others who have had experiences of suicidal thoughts, actions or even loved ones, be they friends or family who have experience of this, to come forward and write a blog to help others going through the same thing.
It can be done anonymously and can be three words or 3,000, there is no limit and no set style or subject. For me, writing about my own experiences has meant I can stay sane and although it might not seem like a long time it has been almost nine months since I last tried to take my own life.
Suicide is not a great word but I will not let it rule my life any longer. I will be aware of it but I shall be vigilant. I will not let the thoughts win and I will do my best to stand strong when it comes knocking and refuse to bow to it. I want to live, period.
