After speaking to friends, family and the boy I have made a decision about the shoe project. I had wanted to start it up again and with all the energy I had just a few weeks ago it may well have been possible.
The truth of it is however that at the moment my mood is still fluctuating and although there are more good days than bad I worry that any added pressure might lead to another episode.
It is with this in mind that I have decided to put the shoe project on hold for now. It may be that I am able to pick it up again next year or maybe think of something more simple in the meanwhile. Whatever I do I know that at the moment it’s just not the right time.
I could look at this as a failure and in many ways it is but I also see it as being more about me learning to manage my illness. Bipolar is I think a complicated illness and there is still a lot I need to learn about how to live with it without letting it become all there is about me.
I still want to keep blogging but the posts for the time being will be missing pictures of me showing off shoes. I hope dear reader you can understand.
I awoke moments ago feeling sick and just oh so sad. I feel over-medicated and frustrated that I can feel the depression creeping in again.
There are now three different mood stabilisers that I have to take every day. As well as the lithium, there is the aripiprizole and a relatively new addition to the mix, lamotrigine.
I look back to last year when I spent six wonderful weeks drug free and find myself wondering about chucking all the pills away. I remember however what happened after the six weeks – the suicidal thoughts, the coming of the crisis team and the tears which I thought would never end.
The truth of the matter is that I am sick of being bipolar. I have gone from not even knowing what it is or how to spell it to being it. Nearly two years after a full diagnosis I worry I am no wiser about how to handle it or no more at peace with having it.
I want to go back to being me but I no longer even know what that is. I think of the endless examples of odd behaviour and foolish acts and I cringe at what I was but find myself not wanting to be this.