Day 128 – Social inadequacy
One symptom of depression which is as constant as the turn of the tides is an inability to effectively function in social situations. Though it is not always obvious when someone is struggling there are signs which will help you recognise when a friend or loved one is falling apart in front of your face: Do they spend a lot of time looking down at the menu or up at the ceiling expressing a sudden interest in the architecture of the building? Do they appear to be glued to their phone, the paper or examining the contents of their wallet? Do they struggle to meet your eye? Are they sitting in front of you with tears streaming down their face asking you why God why they can’t cope? All of these are pretty sure signs that the person you care for is slipping into an atypical social sign of depression. Saying that though the phone thing might just be rudeness or the seemingly unstoppable side effect of having a smart phone.
On Saturday night, whilst nursing a glass of criminally expensive wine I suddenly became acutely aware of my every act. I was sat with three girls, two of whom I have known for well over over a decade and yet I felt totally alone. They were chatting away about ordinary things but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t pick up the conversation and whenever I joined in whatever I said seemed to jar.
It’s not a nice thing to know you are behaving like a dullard and in the end I had to leave early because I was afraid of boring everyone or bringing them down. 
Before I got ill I was the kind of girl who could happily sit at a table of ten people knowing none and within a short time have introduced myself to everyone and hijacked the position of head of the table and commander of the conversation. Apart from when I have had a few too many foreign fruit beers I do not do this any more and I wonder whether it is a good thing or not.
- I believe today’s dress is a donation from my Fairy God Mother’s son’s girlfriend. It is silk and a bit worn but the print is still as clear as a waterfall. I am really attached to it but I wore it to the Oat Hill where everyone is a bit trendy and worry that I looked a little bit frigid. I bumped into my good politician friend from election night, one who thought I was a student. I think it may be his aim in life to insult me. Trying to be a nice person I said hello to him when I saw him at the bar. His reply: “Ah I hadn’t recognised you out of context looking feminine.” Though he denied that this comment suggests I spent election night looking like a man I was not at all pleased and refused his offer of a cocktail to make amends. there is only so many times one can be insulted by the same person in a week.
Day 122 – Sanctuary in the second city
Every year Salford puts on a two day festival called Sounds of the Other City. It has a little more grit than most two day inner city dos and plenty of good ales, fancy foreign beers and tasty fresh food more commonly found at a farmers market than a festival. The weekend has not started well but I’m trying to be a more positive person and so I pick out the prettiest dress, comb out my hair and with my glad rags on try to raise my spirits for what has traditionally been a slamming party.
Though it wasn’t meant to be the way the boy and I end up alone and having the kind of time alone together that we rarely have these days. It is one of those days when you find yourself falling in love just a little more than ever before, I hope you’ve had them. You remember why it is that you work through the tears and the tantrums because in truth this is the one in your life with who everything just feels right.
We go skipping through the shops like children, searching for a cardigan to keep me warm because I was too worried about looking good for my boy in the band. The weather is freezing and the boy does his best as usual to usher me into his hooded top but its blue and for boys and the dress is too pretty to be covered by it. We end up settling on a long grey cardigan from Wallis which will now be my new cover it up for work. The problem with the project is that I have lots of very pretty dresses which are borderline suitable for the workplace, some a little short, some a little low, this will make even the shortest shimmery shift suitable for the most conservative court appearance.
After sipping down strawberry beers and munching on chicken tacos and tasty chilli which even my soft-core taste buds can handle we slink back on the walls to watch a wailing guitar guy leads us in a chorus of She’ll be coming round the mountains when she comes. We glimpse an old friend who I haven’t seen for some time, she is looking well and loved up and there is something about seeing somebody so content that cheers me through just as much as my cherry beer; strawberry got sickly quickly.
We head over to the gig where the boy plays an acoustic set. The crowd seem to like it and I wish I could be playing the part of the reviewer once more. The venue has a great feel to it and the two girls who put it on are either extremely excitable or just pissed. Either way their enthusiasm is infectious and the crowd laps it up.
We end up hanging out with the other Onions and our friend Ben, who is just lovely. The last time we were here our gang was a lot bigger and I miss the rest of the crew, especially the girls; Anna, Clara, Ellen and Niki. They are all great company and I wish we had all found work in the same city. Sometimes I find myself a little jealous of London which has landed all these great ladies and I lament not making it down there to see them as I should.
We watch a surf band from Wales. They are playing at one of the city churches where they are selling beer and alcopops. It is surreal and though I fear my mother might not like it I lie beside the boy on a blown up sofa beside the altar. I figure its okay because this is the Church of England and I figure they do things different from us Catholics, we kneel.
Later on we head back to The New Oxford, where the boy had his gig. There’s a band Frazer King, friends of the boys who are playing and based on the last time I saw them they are well worth a watch. Though I do not tell the boy, there is something a little sexy about their lead singer who growls the lyrics. When we get there we find the band outside, setting up on the steps of Salford Magistrates Court, having decided they are too big for the venue. I am amused by their arrogance but their choice of setting is inspirational and the set is sublime. I shiver throughout and see traces of blue on my lips but I don’t want to miss a moment and dance and sway with the boy just to keep warm. They put on a show and its one of those gigs you just know you’ll never forget. I wish the crew were all here but its great and I’m happy and in love and I don’t care if it lasts, its here and we’re happy.
- The dress is from Topshop, a tea dress. I usually hate showing my back, its broad and has a mole which I would love to move but its an eight and when it fits I get a bit carried away and forget all my usual insecurities if only for one day. It is on loan from Kat Ingham, who is in Manchester but who I unfortunately missed out on seeing tonight as she was at the sound of the other city, or Maps.
