Day 34 – The joys of acceptable side effects, a weighty issue
Today has been a bleak day. I have tried to pull myself out of it but right from this morning I have struggled to lift my mood and having a back log of reviews to write has not exactly helped. Some days I think I am invincible and really do genuinely believe I am capable of doing anything and indeed everything I want to but other days like today I just can’t wit till I can crawl into bed and shut my eyes to join the darkness which has unsettled me all through the day. I read a dreadful article today, by a mental health care practitioner of all people about how we choose to be happy. 
What I found most frightening is someone in his place believes that people with a mental illness are merely somehow choosing not to get better which as most people know who have either experienced mental illness or who has had close contact with a person who has a mental disorder knows this is utter tosh and irresponsible to say the least. One of the things I have found when I try to force myself out of a depressive state is that I usually end up having an episode which often comes extremely close to a break-down. Thankfully it has been months since I have experienced such an episode, but it is hard to forget the utter despair and loneliness you feel when in one. If someone insults one’s intelligence by suggesting one has chosen a state of mind such as this, often the result is an extremely dangerous desire to duck out and end it all due to one feeling tragically misunderstood.
As I said though, today has been a bleak day thus why I have at least tried to brighten this post with floral images and mostly I am sad to say forced smiles. 
Since Tuesday I have had my dosage of mood stabiliser increased and to be honest it broke my heart a little when I found out the plan was to do so all along providing I had no drastic side effects from the tablets. the ideal dose is 300mg apparently this is the dosage at which the drug acts as a mood stabiliser to stop any dramatic highs or lows as well as having anti-depressant properties. Of course if it works it will be wonderful; highs as I have said before can be wonderful but can also be quite difficult to handle both for myself and my loved ones. 
The problem as the title suggests is the side effects; not you understand the extreme ones these tablets could cause such as jaundice, a long-lasting and painful erection, a rash, fits or difficulty in breathing; but the side effects which are deemed to be acceptable given the eventual positive attributes of the drug.
I know they are trivial given what the drug could result in but I must admit I was quite happy with just the anti-depressant and having to take two types of tablet makes me feel like a drug addict without the confidence or alleged cool factor. These side effects are mainly weight gain, sleepiness and a lack of a certain drive of which I shall not mention, but those who have been on antidepressants will know what I mean. There are certain s-words which I don’t feel are appropriate topics and a lot of you I hope would agree. This then leaves us with the other two offending troubles – I hate feeling sleepy and I hate putting weight on, I really do. For someone who usually rises around seven naturally and who has beans enough for three not waking till ten and still feeling as though I am sleep walking for an hour after is extremely depressing; the opposite effect of what the silly things are meant to do. I am having to drink coffee like I usually do water and still at night I am falling straight to sleep barely a few minutes after I’ve swallowed the stabiliser. 
It’s rubbish because I love chatting in bed to the boy about our day and this is something which we are missing out on at the moment and it’s not as though we can chat in the morning instead as he gets grumpy if there is too much chatter from me before midday by when he is wide awake. I hate it and its making me irritable and as sensitive as a stick of magnesium. 
The other issue I have is the weight gain; they warn you that you are likely to put on weight in the first weeks of the treatment, they don’t tell you how much but based on the last time I took tablets with a sedative effect left unchecked it could easily be as much as 2/3 of a stone. It’s not that I mind being curvy, I am happy to have reasonably sized breasts and a bit of a bottom as it just makes things look better. What I can not stand though is putting weight on round my middle; I like my tummy being reasonably flat and toned and do all I can to make sure it stays so. I do squats whilst brushing my teeth and washing my hair and pull my tummy in when I’m walking. If all else fails and start to get a bit jiggly I do some exercise; cut back on sweets and cheese; limit my alcohol intake and even do the odd sit up (at least until the boy tells me I’m doing them wrong at which point I sulk and suggests he do some himself).
Unfortunately as shallow as it is my misery is added to today both by the post and the fact that when I look in the mirror I have a bit of what can only describe as a bit of a bakery, rolls. It upsets me because I like to feel confident, I like the boy to still feel attracted to me after four years and I like my clothes to fit nicely. Also for less shallow reasons I enjoy being fit and healthy as it means I can dance till 4am, beat the boy on the odd occasion at play fighting and run for the bus, the train or the plane when I need to. I know it’s a trivial problem, I know there is a lot more issues in the world than my waist-line but today it is making me blue and when I take off my dress, which is Kookai from the stock-x-change in Market Harborough, brought for fancy dress nearly nine years ago, I am delighted to dive under the covers and pull on some pyjamas.
