Day 47 – A mad time
While having a cup of tea and looking through my portfolio this morning I find myself looking back to the time when I went, well, a little bit mad. It is not a comfortable time to remember but I feel it is sometimes necessary to do so to remind myself of why I must strive so hard to stay well.
My mood had been all over the place for months and I would find myself falling in and out of love and in and out of friendships at the drop of a hat. My weight was in a constant state of flux and I was coping at work by the skin of my teeth. I remember one day at work when all it took to set me off in floods of tears was a kind word by a colleague.
As my mood went from high to low and back again at an ever increasing speed I started to feel isolated from everyone around me and began to distance myself from them all. People were expressing concern and yet I didn’t want to hear it and even ended up distancing myself from doctors and other professionals who perhaps could have helped me get better.
To me my biggest concern was my physical health and with frequent fainting combined with paranoia and a heightened sense of awareness led to my going to hospital on several occasions. My mother thinks and I would tend to agree that there was perhaps some part of me that realised I was not well and so from that point of view the hospital seemed like the best place for me to be.
After spending several days in Kettering General Hospital however it must have become clear to the staff there that my main problems were with my mental health. I was scared of everyone; not sleeping at all and in the end I was completely paranoid and convinced I was going to die.
I was on Twitter at the time and updating both my status there and on Facebook up to several times an hour with increasingly desperate pleas. I had completely lost it to the point where I ended up convinced that the only place I would be safe was in the hospital’s chapel.
Even when a psychiatrist visited me I did not realise the severity of the situation but the same day I was sectioned and found myself against my will transported to a psychiatric unit in Leicester. Once there, I was by then so very ill and confused that I was convinced the whole thing was a set up. I couldn’t believe that a sick person could be taken somewhere against their will.
I was to spend the next three months in and out of that facility and I wouldn’t come down off my high for more than a month. The staff there were great and the patients even better, nicknaming me HRH due to my tendency to act like a great dame and it must be said at times a Great Dane.
In spite of having scared many people half to death, including myself, friends were incredibly supportive and continued to keep in touch with me even when I descended into a deep depression and often refused to even get out of bed.
Sitting here and looking back on that time I cannot believe how far I have come with the help of finding the right medication, taking it and generally just being supported in the community. I hope I will never reach that stage in my life again but if I do I know that I am lucky enough to have support of loved ones to get me through to the other side.
Day 46 – What’s the point?
There are days like today when doing the blog can feel like a bit of a chore. I had some worrying news about the house today and have had to pay a substantial fee for the mortgage and financially and personally it just feels like the waves just keep on coming and I can’t seem to catch a break. I am also conscious that I have not yet read my Bill Bryson book for the book club, still haven’t set up a Read it account and am dreadful at Geography.
All of this makes me feel like a bad person and coming home from work in this frame of mind it is hard to take to the keyboard. Imagine my delight then when I received a message from someone who reads the blog saying that they thought they I should keep on blogging and that they took enjoyment from reading it.
The thing is that although I love wearing shoes and dresses, I do not always do the blog for me. I do it because I love the thought that someone out there who may be having a hard time might read a post and think, thank God I’m not the only one going through this. I hope that someone who has suicidal thoughts will read the post about my dreaded six days spent in hospital and think to themselves, maybe that’s not what I want.
I really am passionate about wanting to help people who suffer with a mental illness in any way that I can. I often wonder whether there is more that I can do and I berate myself that I am not more active in campaigning. What I like to think is that the more time that goes by between episodes the more I’ll be able to take on. Last year I didn’t do a blog or anything really but this year I feel able to start-up the Bipolar Support group, take on another project and blog and hopefully stay well.
It is all very much little by little but when I hear from supporters of the blog and indeed realise the amount of support I get in turn from my own friends and family and from the team in Harborough I can’t help but feel I shall succeed.
Day 45 – Valentine’s Day
The boy has come down today for Valentine’s Day and I am so excited that even my flat shoes can’t bring me down. He turns up to meet me at the front of the Mail’s offices with a bunch of Roses and it is just so good to see him.
It is horrible that we don’t get to see more of each other but this week he is staying until Sunday and I can’t stop smiling.
He is a terrible one for surprises and refuses to tell me where it is we are going for a meal despite my many attempts to coax it out of him. I get ready and wear a pink dress with an open back despite the cold and do my make up just how he likes it to be.
We end up going to Leicester for the night and we have a wonderful time in spite of dreadful service and being charged for the wrong bottle of wine by a snooty waitress. I feel sorry for the boy because he has tried so hard and the meal just seems far too expensive and even just the flowers would have been enough for me.
We decide by the end of the night that although it was lovely to go out for future Valentine’s Days we will stay in and one of us will cook. It seems strange in a way to spend the day of love surrounded by strangers and perhaps next year we will at last have a home in which to be alone.
Day 44 – Flat shoes, flat mood
My mood has been a little flat of late and I wonder that this is reflected somehow in my footwear. Although flat shoes mean that I can run and jump, dance and shimmy, all I want to do is slouch and slump. I am worrying about every tiny little thing there is to worry about, from money to natural disaster. I am anxious about the project, the house falling through and everything else in between.
I feel unmotivated and just quite blue. I can’t seem to lift myself and it is taking me longer and longer to get out of bed each morning. There was a time not so long ago when I looked forward to the start of each day with enthusiasm but I can’t remember when I last did.
I notice aches and pains more and am generally just more self centred. I keep putting things off that I keep meaning to do and when a letter comes through telling me I am at long last at the front of the queue for CBT I do not feel glad about it but think of it as just another thing that I have to do.
It should help I suppose. It is meant to stop reoccurrence of depression and I am lucky to be on it because they do not usually accept bipolar patients on the course. It will take place over ten weeks and there is not only a lot of work in the sessions but a lot of homework to perfect the techniques of what is known as mindfulness based CBT. The idea of it is as I understand it to try to not focus on negative thoughts. To be aware of them but not to let one’s mind fixate upon them.
I am terrified of meeting the other people in the group, of whether we have to tell our story and that I will become unwell during it and so not be able to complete the course. You have to be reasonably well to do it or it does not work.
The thing is that I am not depressed at the moment, I know I’m not, I’m just terribly flat and the problem is that I compare my mood to how I am when I am high and this I know is not helpful as there is nothing on earth that compares to that feeling.
I will pick up and I am hoping that the CBT will mean that I will stay well and not succumb as I fear I will to the blues and the black moods that so consume me when they descend.
My CPN said that my heel height tends to be a dead give away as to how I am feeling and where my mood is on a scale of one to ten. Wearing flats with a poor excuse of a heel I would tend to agree with her on this occasion.
Day 43 – Support group
As well as the blog, one of the things I am hoping to get going this year is a support group for people with bipolar in the Harborough area. What with the mortgage and the daily blogs the group is taking longer than I’d anticipated to get going but it now seems to be getting on track.
When I was at University I was involved in so many different projects that I sometimes struggled to keep up with my studies. I was president of my halls, I ran the hall bar, helped out with an English Society and attended regular meetings of accommodation and health and safety.
Nowadays I am not involved in anything and it bugs me to be so lazy. I am hoping that the setting up of the group will give me something to focus on as well as a place where people can find support.
While I was attending the Bipolar Awareness Course last year one of the greatest things was being around people who understood what it was like to have this illness. We would regularly talk about various issues including medication, support workers, hospital admission and even, although a long way in the future for me, the idea of having children as someone with a mental illness and the issues this might involve.
I looked forward to those meetings each week as there were days when they really kept me going. Although the education side of the course was good I often found it was what we had to teach one another that was more important.
The group will soon be up and running and although it will be taking place on a fortnightly basis I’m really hoping that it will help people with this illness. If you know anyone in the Harborough area suffering from bipolar please do ask them to get in touch to register their interest.
This week’s shoes are a pair of Kurt Geiger flats. Although I feel like a midget compared with last week’s heels today has been like walking on air.
Day 42 – Avoidance
My father is determined to have a talk to me about my finances. I on the other hand am determined not to talk about my finances. The fact of the matter is that they have been in serious disarray ever since I went high in October. I spent like there was no tomorrow and it was such a shame because I was doing so well at saving up for my house.
I feel bad for avoiding the issue but the last thing I want to do with my Saturday is to talk about my overdraft. It is a creeping blob on my conscience and although I have saved relentlessly and have enough for a deposit the overdraft is hanging over my head and I don’t want to let my dad know because he will be so disappointed.
I sneak out of the house early morning before my dad has a chance to corner me and spend the day with my sister and her beautiful baby boy. He always has the power to lift me from any woe as he is just such a happy baby. Crawling is now on the agenda and he is so cute even when he sleeps. Bathtime is a hoot and I come away completely soaked as gone are the days when he was content with a soak and a float.
We have time to catch up as well when the monster is sleeping and it is so good to speak with my sister that I forget what it is that I am avoiding back home until my father rings wondering where I am.
I will have to face the financial chat tomorrow unless I can come up with another reason to stay away from home. I often wonder whether there should be some kind of returns policy that people with bipolar can use which is not that the clothes don’t fit or that the metal bendable Christmas tree is too large but simply that I was high as a kite when I bought them and I am meant to be saving up for a house.
My father will point out to me tomorrow no doubt that when I have a house there will be no room for these bipolar blips. If I fail to pay my mortgage I will lose my house and everything I have worked to achieve with it. I cannot afford to do so, emotionally or financially, so whatever the financial chat brings tomorrow I have to get the bipolar in check. I cannot afford another high or the costly credit it brings with it.
This is the last day of this week’s shoes and I will be sorry to see them go. From here on out there are only super high heels and super dull flats with I suppose the customary sparkle. Please if you have any shoes you can donate to the project please do let me know.
Day 41 – Controversial heels
This week’s shoes have provoked reaction from friends, family and strangers on the street. Generally the reaction to them is, “Good god, they’re bright!”
The truth is it that although they have pinched my feet and possibly caused them to shrink I am quite a fan of these shoes. They brighten up the dreary wardrobe of winter and make dull days seem somehow less so.
I am however a little concerned when my sister’s partner tells me that such shoes are better seen in strip clubs rather than on the streets of Leicester.
It seems that my father is also none to keen on them when he points out that they are tippex shoes. I think what he is actually referring to is they remind him of office highlighters.
Today I have to go to court to cover a horrific case and try to somber down my ensemble by wearing a gray dress and tights. In court you have to be careful how you dress which is really rather funny when some of the defendants you see turn up in hooded tops and track suit bottoms. Hardly the best impression on a jury one would imagine but appearances aren’t everything.
What strikes me while I cover court is that I hear depression mentioned in mitigation for all kinds of crimes. What worries me is that so often people suffering from depression do not seek help. There are so many brilliant treatments out there and admittedly some do take time on the waiting list to access but they are there.
All that needs to be done is to attend one GP appointment to get the ball rolling and to start getting better. I am not saying it is easy to go to the doctor the very first time, it isn’t. Sitting there and trying to find the words to explain that endless feeling of hopelessness can seem near impossible. It isn’t. All you need to say is, “I am depressed.” A good doctor will know to help you out with the rest and from there believe me things can only get better.
Day 40 – Nightmares
My biggest fear is that after all the stress of applying for this house is that in the end it will all fall through and I will be left with nothing but a broken dream. I am having regular nightmares that it has all fallen apart and I wake up with a cold sweat afraid that this is true.
In one nightmare I even dreamed that the people I am buying the house from had simply changed their minds, found out that I was bipolar and no longer wanted to sell to someone who was unstable.
I don’t feel unstable at the moment but I do feel scared. I feel scared that this will all fall apart and that the nightmares will come true. Even the skiing holiday which I thought would be a break from all this fell through when we had to deal with a query from the estate agent while in France.
So much of my time and energy and indeed of my family is vested in this property and for me it means so much. It means security, privacy and an outward sign that I am like everyone else.
Maybe it is sad and tragic to crave stability but for so long chaos has ruled my existence and I just want something tangible and real for myself. It seems as though it will all go through, there is no reason for it not to, but still the fear is eating away at me and the nightmares continue.
Who knew buying a house could be so utterly terrifying. When I was looking at houses it just felt like a rather expensive shopping exercise, now however it feels like an ongoing financial nightmare. I am sure it will all come right and that the nightmares will stop I just hope that it is soon.
The second shoes of this week are from New Look. They are so bright as to draw comment when I walk the streets of Harborough and one woman kindly tells me that they have brightened up her day. They are a little small for me, a size six, but they are so cute and this makes the pain worthwhile.
Day 39 – Deadline day
Deadline day often takes it out of me and today has been no exception. When I was really ill I wondered whether I should consider another choice of career, something with less stress and pressure. I thought that maybe if I could have a job with less pressure I would be able to handle my illness better.
I worry though that if I ever did do a job with less pressure I would end up succumbing to much to my thoughts and end up spiraling into a depression. The best thing about my job, other than getting to talk to people every day, is that it leaves little time to think. Every week there is a new paper and new tasks to do, places to go and meetings to attend.
You can get so bogged down with one story but you must always remember that the next one also needs to get done. You can spend hours on a story only to find out that the priorities of the paper have changed and that all your effort will now be only a NIB or news in brief item.
One of the proudest parts of the job is that from time to time you do receive recognition and appreciation from the people on whom you write about. I have done charity stories time and time again but they never get boring as I find it wonderful that there are people out there who are forever coming up with new ways to help others.
People who have lost loved ones to cancer channel their grief into projects that capture a whole communities imagination. We have pride awards in the town and some of the stories could make you shed a tear. I feel proud to be a part of the paper and proud to be a part of this community and even on days like today when I am tired out and feeling spent I am still glad that I chose to do the job that I do. Whatever the repercussions might be for my health long-term I love my job and am glad every day I get the opportunity to keep on doing it.
Day 38 – Keeping it colourful
The days are long and since coming back from Chamonix I am conscious that my mood is dropping. I chose the clothes I am wearing today because I hoped with the combination of my bright pink clothes it might lift me. I wear a blue and black checked dress with purple lace tights and although I know the whole combination is a bit of a clash I care not because I am bringing a little colour into my life.
I am so often tempted to opt for black especially on days when I feel blue but today feels like a good day when I need a bit of bright in my life. My mood is dropping and after an exhaustive planning committee at the council which focused on everything from chimneys down to heritage sites I am afraid I am too tired to write any more.
